Monday, March 4, 2013

Naptime aka The Universe's Cruel Joke on SAHM

To give you a little background my now 2 year did not sleep for the first year of her life. People who said sleep when the baby sleeps risked getting punched in the face by me. She didn't nap, she didn't sleep at night, and it didn't help that my husband was enjoying his 15 hours of sleep per night during his vacation in the desert.

Now I realize that naptime is really the universe's way of saying f**k you to stay at home moms. It's payback on behalf of all those women who have to work everyday while we stay eating bonbons, watching reality tv, and getting fat. (and God help you if you tell me that your child naps for 5 hours every afternoon)

I think for a large portion of stay at home moms we approach naptime with the same trepidation we might use when trying to kill a spider in our home. You know it's something that needs to be done and yet you dread it with every fiber of your being. Dread mixed with unbridled optimism that today will be the day that your child naps.

Today we had to run to Walmart to return this crappy humidifier (fair warning do not waste your money on a Honeywell humidifier. I don't know how a company who makes pretty much every single piece of an airplane including the engine can NOT make a simple humidifier. I may never fly again.) Because our sweet sweet daughter had been up since 5:30am she fell asleep in the car on the way home at 11:30am. Not only on the way home, but actually on our street. I thought this is great. I'll just sneak her up to her crib and she'll take a nap and I can eat lunch and have 5 minutes to relax and get things done.

I'm sure my other SAHM's can relate to that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when, after you've congratulated yourself on successfully getting your child into the house; getting her shoes off; getting her jacket off; getting her into the crib; and getting yourself back downstairs, you hear not 30 seconds later that tiny voice on the monitor. Mommy, mommy, *singing*, *singing*, *talking to stuffed animals*, *playing* and you know that You. Are. Screwed.

So I get Em up and feed her lunch and eat my own lunch, during which she has a massive poo (ya know the kind you can hear), and I know I have to change her diaper and that there's a good chance I'm gonna throw up on her. So we head upstairs around and it's now 1pm and I put vicks in my nose and inhale a baby wipe (it was THAT bad y'all) and gag and try not to throw up and finally get Em into her crib.

Where she cries, and plays, and whines, and wants to go potty, and on and on and on. Around 2pm I try laying down with her. hahahaha And the thing is that she is soooo funny that I have a hard time not laughing (even though my soul feels like crying for the desperation I feel at needing a break from my child).

Around 2:30 my phone, which is downstairs, starts ringing...and ringing...and ringing. Em, like her daddy, is very concerned about me not answering my phone so finally I go down to see what the emergency is. I return some phone calls (and tell the hubby that if he comes home and asks me what I got done today there is a good chance he'll be punched in the face) and as I'm on the phone I can hear Em running around upstairs and I realize there will be NO naptime today...for the second day in a row.

No naptime. I feel like I've just learned that there is no Santa Claus.

Now I'm sure all you working moms are thinking "oh poor baby, gets to stay home and play with your child all day. Boo hoo." And yes that thought has crossed my mind as well. In my defense I did get FIRED during my pregnancy and I also went crazy after the baby was born (literally crazy, like had to take medication crazy) which would've made returning to work at that time challenging considering I worked with the mentally ill and 4 months after said baby arrived my husband deployed to Afghanistan's not been all fun and games over here in our household. But yes, I do thank God every day for my blessings and the ability to stay at home...even when I want to run screaming naked into the yard.

No comments:

Post a Comment