Korean Traditions and Culture

What traditions are we going to pass along to our little guy?  That is a great question and one of the easier ones to answer.   We are concerned about the cultural identity and information aspect of an international adoption, so we have talked with several adult international adoptees and done some online searches.   The responses typically split about right down the middle—some were glad their parents introduced them to the Korean culture; others thought it was just a hassle.  There were even some differences of opinions within families. 

As for us, we plan on introducing our little guy to as much as we possibly can and encourage learning within his interests as well as helping to cultivate additional interests.  We will be purchasing children’s books on Korea and international adoption.  Currently, we are stationed in California and have several large and diverse metropolitan areas close by. In Los Angeles, in particular, there is a large Korean adoptee population. Many of the Korean adult adoptees provide services and ceremonies to introduce children and teenagers to the Korean culture.  As long as our son (or future children) is interested in those types of activities, we will make every effort to allow him (or them) to participate.  

Many have asked if we plan on learning how to cook Kimcee or other traditional Korean food.  Not at this time, mostly because it is unlikely to be a regular in our little guy’s diet and something that he would miss.   We would certainly encourage our son to learn how to make those things if he was interested when he gets a little older. 

 In one of our adoption classes, the social worker gently reminded the class that toddlers weren’t really “losing their culture.”  At 18-24 months, they are not cognitively aware of annual traditions and holidays, foods associated with those holidays or regular Korean diets. What we could do as adoptive parents is to introduce them to books, magazines, foods and mentors as needed or desired.   That made sense to us.

My husband and I do plan on incorporating, combining and creating our own family traditions and celebrating holidays, birthdays and ordinary days with our son.   In all reality, while we will introduce Korean education, we cannot truly introduce Korean culture because we are not Korean nor do we live in South Korea.  We will also strive to let our son have some input on how much he learns or what we do.   Eventually, we would like to travel there with him…perhaps when he is a teenager. 

Gently rephrasing

                I’ve always been told not to click angry (click the mouse), text angry, email angry, etc, the gist being that I am more likely to mess things up and or cause damage to relationships that I would later regret. It is generally good advice I think and I try to live by that.  However, today, I’m going to toss out some ofthat logic and blog frustrated.  As you know we are waiting for that elusive travel call and the longer we wait, the more painful the wait becomes.  While I certainly cannot write on behalf of all adoptive parents, I can speak for manyof them, as we seem to have the same types of questions.  Over the past year+, we have heard a variety of painful questions, generally from well-intentioned, but poorly informed people.  So, I will be using this blogspace for some of the questions and possible ways to rephrase them.  

1.       “Why don’t you just go get that little boy?” The short answer is at this stage in the game that would be considered international kidnapping…enough said.  Why it hurts to hear:  There is an impliedundertone that we just haven’t purchased the plane tickets.  Another option:  Waiting must be so hard; doy ou have an expected travel date yet?

 

2.      “Are you going to try and have real kids too?”  I promise the little guy we are bringing back is not a blow-up doll. He is real.  We are counting on the fact that he will be real, that we can laugh with him, have adventures with him, and grow as a family. Why it hurts to hear: we will be a complete family regardless if we every have biological children or not.  If you are really that curious, please use the word biological in lieu of “real.” Another option:  How do you plan on growing your family?

 

3.      “Are you going to encourage your child to have contact with his real mom or dad?” Again, I promise that we will be his real parents, because we will take him to activities, feed him, cloth him, clean up puke, etc.  Why it hurts to hear:  there is an assumption that we don’t love him or aren’t a complete family because we are not biologically related.  Another option:  How do you plan on handling questions and possible relationships with your child’s biological family?

 

4.      “Why can’t family or close friends come for a visit right after you bring him home?”   The agency and our social worker have recommended that we wait 6-8 weeks before allowing guests to come.  This is to encourage our child to bond with us, to build a trust with us, that as his parents, we will help keep him safe, fed, etc.  This is different than bringing a newborn home.  A newborn, you can pass around the room and he or she is indifferent to who is doing the holding.  A toddler that has just arrived at the house however, is trying to figure out who mom and dad is and additional adults could complicate that.  Remember,he has been in a temporary home since he was born.  All that he knows has been pulled out from underneath him.  Why it hurts: we desperately want those grandparents, aunts, uncles and close friends to be a part of our son’s life.  We know those folks are anxious to meet the little guy and we don’t want people to assume we are excluding them long-term, we just have to do what is best for him. Another option:  We are so excited to meet your little guy and be a part of his life, but will gladly wait until you think he is ready to meet us.  As soon as we get the green light from you, we are buying plane tickets! J

 

5.      “When are you going to tell him that he is adopted?”  We’ll begin talking about his adoption in the first year we have him home, as we want that to be an open topic and we don’t want to hide that from him. Of course, we will focus on being age appropriate with the information we provide.  T o me, this is a silly question as there will be obvious physical differences that we couldn’t hide from him, even if we wanted too.  Why it hurts to hear: because of the assumption that we would withhold information from him and/or leave it up to chance.  We want him to hear things from us not a well-intentioned adult or child. This is his story. Another option:  How will you discuss the story of his adoption with him?

 

6.      “Why aren’t you keeping his Korean name?”  For one, we would have a hard time pronouncing it correctly. J  Secondly, if we were having a biological child we wouldn’t give him or her a Korean name.  Third, as a young toddler, moving to a new country, learning a new language etc, it won’t be difficult at all for him to learn his new name. Why it hurts to hear:  What parents want to be questioned on the name chosen for a child?  Another option: What is the significance of the name you chose?  Or how did you go about choosing this name?

 

7.      “I can’t wait until he is home so that I can show off pictures.”  Sorry, but this is about us, as a couple, becoming a family of 3. Why it hurts to hear: our son is not for show and tell and as far as the waiting game goes, it isn’t about others. The waiting game is hard enough on us without having the added pressureto have him home on someone else’s timeline. Another option: I can’t wait until he is home so that you all can start your life together.

 

I’m very fortunate that I have somany friends who are in this waiting game with me.  They are so supportive and reassure me that despite what I think on some days, we will have him home before he is 16 and ready for the prom.  Like I mentioned previously, many of these questions come from well-intentioned people, but words sometimes hurt.  Please love on those waiting to adopt very gently;  they usually don’t have a due date, just a time frame, big dreams and aching arms.

Paper and glue sticks

Last Friday, I had an amazing experienceworking with some kids who have been adopted (or are in the process of beingadopted).  A dear friend of mine worksfor a private, non-profit agency that helps kids and families transition duringand after placement in this state.  Inaddition to many of the services this organization provides, they alsoroutinely have get-togethers on Friday nights; as it is important for kids tosee and interact with others who have also been adopted because they feel less “weird”about their experiences. My friend coordinated with me so that I could help thekids on their lifebooks.  A lifebook is aspecial scrapbook that relays the story of adoption from birth to placement orlonger. 

There were six kids ranging from 5to 15 on Friday night.  I had preppedgoody bags for the kids—glue sticks, paper, markers and some stickers.  My initial plan was to go over some basics,like what to include and to encourage them to write down (or journal) what theyremembered.   My plan quickly got thrownout as I watched the kids open their goody bags.  Almost every one of them said something tothe effect of “this is for me?”   I gotvery emotional as I watched their excitement grow.  Each one carefully pulled out all the paperand looked through their small stack and it was fun to watch them plan.  Especially for these kids who have bouncedbetween foster homes and their birth homes, it was also important for me togive them ideas on writing about their experiences because pictures may nothave traveled with them.   As they cutand pasted, some began sharing some of their own story with me.  A twelve year old girl, with the mostbeautiful smile was showing me pictures from her finalization…which happened onChristmas Eve 2012.  No doubt, she hasseen a lot of heartache in her life, but felt loved now.  Her mom was there with her and hugging herand giving her a hard time. This girl had been with the family for only twoyears, but it was sure fun to see the love they shared for each other.  As the parents worked with their children onpreserving history, I soaked up as many of the smiles and shows of creativityand completed pages that I could.  Whoknew that paper and glue could bring out so many smiles in such a short time?  I didn’t get any “teaching” done but I wassure blessed beyond comprehension. 

I think that I will be able toreturn and help them again and will probably start pestering my friend for thenext date soon. I was reminded of how seemingly effortless it can be to make someoneelse’s day; those kids probably aren’t going to remember my name, but I betthey remember that one lady who came on a cold, rainy Friday night.  I think wherever the USAF takes us; I willtry and find a similar agency to volunteer at. Again, I was reminded of the blessing of foster families. It certainlytakes special people to love on a kid for an unspecified amount of time; I’m thankfulfor all of them. 

The adoption agency

One of the first things folks ask when they found out we are adopting is “how did you pick your agency?”  That answer has several facets, as do many big decisions.  First of all, it is difficult to compare agencies; while each agency is required to do mostly the same things, each agency is not required to call each step by the same name.  In fact, several agencies use similar titles for different steps in the process.  As you can imagine, it was extremely difficult, if not nearly impossible to compare apples to apples.   So, we had to prioritize what was most important to us in regards to the agency.  We decided it was of the utmost importance that our agency was on the up-and-up and honest as far as we could tell, (which would decrease the chances of them being involved in child trafficking),   we wanted the children to be well cared for—whether in an orphanage or foster care system and we wanted the option to get a child as young as we possibly could.

1.        Reputation was a huge selling point for this agency.  This agency’s founding couple went to congress to get laws passed for international adoption 50 years ago.  As far as we could tell, the social workers at each branch worked diligently to follow the law and in some cases, the agency shut down an office in another country because of workers suspected of pushing the legal limits (notice I didn’t say breaking the law, ethics are not the same from culture to culture...i.e. bribing is not acceptable behavior here, but in other countries it is. Our agency wanted nothing to do with questionable behavior.)  There is the hope that they can reopen those branch offices, but a child’s safety is paramount to how they run their programs.  Also, this agency's first priority is to keep the child with his or her biological family, second priority is to find an adoptive family within the country and international adoption is the last option. We agreed with those priorities as well. We eventually went with this agency based on a personal recommendation, their current reputation and historical reputation. 

2.       Our agency provides three meals a day to children living in orphanages and some children (such as ours) have been in foster care their whole lives...with an assumed high level of care.  Also, our agency provides children with regular medical check-ups (well baby checks) and medical care as needed.  

3.       Our agency follows country laws in regards to adoptable ages.  While S. Korea used to send out kids at 4 or 5 months, 18 months to 2 years is still pretty young in the grand scheme of things.

I’ve noticed in the last few weeks, there have been a few of those dreaded horror adoption stories in the news.  Parents spending time and money to go pick up a child from a “private” agency in another country only to find out the agency had shut down or “moved.”  Or worse, they bring home a child and later find out the child was kidnapped from his or her parents. Sometimes children are even sold to a “private agency” to put up for adoption. I don’t write all of this to scare you away from adopting, just be wary of deals that sound too good to be true.  If a private agency can place a kid in your arms in weeks instead of months or years—do some more investigating.  The agency you choose does a great deal to provide peace of mind, both in the short term as you wait and in the long term after you have your child home.   Happy agency shopping!

The Waiting Game

Naively and very optimistically, whenwe submitted the adoption application in July 2011, my husband and I werepretty sure we’d have our little guy home for Christmas 2012.  We were matched May 1, 2012 and knew that realistically,we would not be a family of 3 for Christmas because we had been told that wewould probably travel approximately a year from the date of match.  We thought we might receive a progress reportor our next paperwork packet the first of this month.  We still haven’t received anything, in partbecause South Korea changed many of their adoption laws in August 2012; as wasto be expected there have been some hiccups with the new process.  Our agency has been conservative with theinformation they’ve passed along so as not to give false or early hope to thewaiting families.  I cognitivelyunderstand what they are doing and why, but it hard not to play the what-ifsand how-much longer kinds of games.   Somedays, the waiting, not-knowing and not having a plan seem suffocating; on otherdays, it is much easier to take a deep breath and be thankful that our littleguy is healthy and safe.   

I’ve had dear friends who had beenseveral days overdue and comments about their pregnancy drove them crazybecause they were just ready to have that baby. While that is not something I can directly relate too, I do think I havea better understanding of their frustration.   How have you survived the waiting game?

How many kids?

With various parties, get-togethersand chance encounters, over the last year and a half, small talk seems toalways turn to kids.  Most moms have avery easy time answering the “how many kids do you have” question.  I however, got that deer-in-the-head lightlook, as I struggled with how to answer that question.  I generally answered with the very "adult-like"answers of “uhm, one?” or sometimes a more firm “one…ish”  (As I have previously mentioned, we have beenmatched with and love a little boy, but have yet to bring him home.  In fact, as of right now, we are not involvedin the daily decisions or care of our son, nor do we have any legal rights asparents.)   

If I answered with the uncertainresponse, most folks jumped to different conclusions (1) I’m currentlyexpecting in the traditional biological way or (2) we’ve lost a child. And thenI would have to explain the situation. Occasionally, I had people shake theirheads, almost in disbelief, like I couldn’t countJ.  If I answered with the more firm response ofone…ish, Before they could ask  gender,how old he or she is, developmental stage, etc,I gave a little bit about theadoption story, what we know about him, etc. As travel time gets closer and I am no longer surprised by the questionof “how many kids do you have?” I have become a little more practiced in sayingwe have a son in Korea and are waiting to bring him home. 

I am certainly looking forward tobringing him home and the first time I can answer, we have one son and he isfinally home.  I’m curious, how have youresponded to such questions?

Thankful for the gift of love

We received another well baby check update yesterday.  The well baby checks are such a blessing, at least most of the time.  He is healthy, growing as he should, but with each report we are realizing what we are missing.  The huge milestones for every baby—crawling, sitting up, standing, walking, even little things like waving good-bye and laughter are all passing us by.  We are thankful that we have a healthy little guy.  We are especially thankful for the gift the foster family is giving us.  It is the foster mom who comforts him in the middle of the night, who makes sure he is fed and bathed.  It is the foster mom who is playing with him, hugging him and making him laugh those contagious baby laughs.  The foster family plays with him and treats him like one of the family...I have no idea to what extent they are loving on our little guy, but I know this is a gift from the heart. Unlike adoptions from some countries, South Korea doesn’t have an orphanage system. They put all of the children in foster care.  Our little guy has been with the same family since he was two days old.  While it will no doubt break his heart to leave that foster family, we are so thankful that he has known and seen love since he was born.  The foster family is giving us a gift beyond imagination and their job will no doubt be a heart-breaking job when they pass him over to us.  But we will always remember their gift and sacrifice. 

To all those foster families stateside and abroad:  Thank you for loving on kids, especially this time of year when love and family seem to be extra important.   

Christmas time!

The Christmas season is a little different with a one-year old still living with his foster family across the ocean.  This year has already (hopefully) had a list of “lasts.”  The last time we set up the tree with the ornament s somewhat evenly spaced, probably the last time without some fresh home-made glittery, popsicle-stick kind of ornaments, the last time we can set out certain decorations within arm’s reach, the last time for toyless Christmases, the last time we don’t have to worry about finding a babysitter for a Christmas party and probably the last time for a while that we will sleep in on Christmas day. 

Don’t get me wrong, my husband and I are enjoying this season, but with a heavier heart than usual; we are missing a vital person in our celebrations.   We are sending our little guy a Christmas box in care of his foster family. I’ll include a blanket, some clothes and maybe a toy.  Each set of grandparents is sending us a gift for his room. This year, he doesn’t know who we are—let alone probably get the concept of gifts but we want to be able to tell him that his whole family planned for him for a long time.  The band Third Day has a song that strikes a chord with us…they sing about missing a child who was still in China for Christmas “It is Christmastime again but you’re not home, your family is here but you are somewhere else alone”…it is a bittersweet song. That song brings tears to my eyes each time I hear it, yet I know there will be a day he will be home with us.

What has been fun this year is I have purchased several snowmen families—each family has a dad, mom and a kiddo.  We have been purchasing ornaments and decorations that have a family focus vs. a couple focus.  This year, when we take our traditional picture in front of the Christmas tree we will be holding a picture of our little guy. 

I would love to hear how you’ve celebrated Christmas with a kiddo not yet home.