|Here is my baby (not so baby) girl!|
So far, this pregnancy has been fairly similar to my pregnancy with Adrianna. I do feel more appreciative this time around, however. I think it has to do with being naive with my first pregnancy. I felt like nothing would happen to me, all would be ok and it was fairly uneventful. I find myself being more nervous this time around...rightfully so. I am constantly thinking about what can go wrong and look forward to being reassured with ultrasounds and multiple OB visits.
With my longest pregnancy which ended in miscarriage, I wrote a 10 week update post. I have been hesitant about blogging since I am just shy of 11 weeks, I guess I just don't want to jinx myself. I want to be happy. I want to be worry free and just enjoy this pregnancy. This will likely be my last pregnancy. I may change my mind according to what the sex of the babies are, but I feel 80% positive this will be it...no matter what. I feel like I have been blessed this time around and I don't want to test fate anymore. When pregnant with Adrianna, Joe and I (ok maybe just me) dreamed about a big family with 4 or 5 children. I can't go through a loss again, I just can't. I feel like I want to sit back and enjoy every pregnancy craving, nauseas moment, kick, sleepless night that this pregnancy will bring. Besides feeling anxiety for the actual pregnancy, I want to share some of the anxieties I am currently feeling about having multiples.
I have a 2 1/2 year old who needs me. She loves me and loves to be the center of my world. I only have to arms and there is only one of me. I feel like she will feel replaced, big time. It is a constant fear of mine. Like she will resent her siblings. I fear that she will feel left out. That if the babies are both boys she will not be able to connect with them and have a relationship with them because they will be boys. I have two brothers and although we played as kids, we didn't get close until we got older. I am afraid that if I have to girls, they will bond with each other and be each other's best friend leaving Adrianna out from that unique bond. If I have one of each, I feel like it will be the best scenario for Adrianna....but I am, again, not being picky. I will take two healthy babies, no matter the sex. I am just slightly worried. I fear that my need to make sure the twins get enough time with me will cause chaos in my head. I want to be sure each gets equal skin to skin, alone time, together time with me and with each other...it is a lot to juggle. I fear expenses. We didn't pay for formula with Adrianna because she had a milk protein allergy so was on prescribed formula which insurance covered in full. Joe and I talked about me nursing our next child as much as possible to get the experience we didn't get with Adrianna and also to cut costs (lets be honest). How can I nurse two babies? Is that even possible? Will I even produce enough milk? I am going to be a human cow. I am never going to sleep again. This is my biggest anxiety. I fear that I wont be able to handle 3 kids. As in going to the grocery store, shopping, leaving the house in general. Did I mention we are moving shortly after the twins are born. I have anxiety about that too. I don't know how long or if they will be born early (38 weeks is our current goal, my OB is optimistic) and have to be in the NICU for a while. Will this delay our move? I fear that Adrianna's birthday will take a back seat because of the birth of the twins...her birthday is July 9th, I am due July 3rd but will likely birth in June sometime (I hope).
These are all of my current concerns among others related to my actual pregnancy....will I carry to 38 weeks? Will the babies be healthy? Will I actually have twins or is something going to happen to one of them? (morbid thought, I know but it is a very real fear). Will I be on bedrest. Sometimes I want to fast forward, but maybe not knowing is better. I would rather try and be happy and enjoy my time now than look into the future and see that one of my fears will actually come true. Make sense? Yea I know, doesn't make sense to me either sometimes.
All I know is that after the amazing birth of my first born, 3 miscarriages and finding out I am pregnant with twins, I am choosing not to question anything much right now....when I try and figure out how this actually happened I get chills. It gives me goosebumps. It is crazy how life works out. This is one of 3 significant times in my life where I have turned to God and He has granted me the answer to my prayers.